Flailing Towards Enlightenment

So, in the dwindling light of a life spent largely being angry and hopeless, I’m thrashing about in the vague direction of ‘enlightenment’. Somewhat angrily and hopelessly. I’ve spent most of the last five decades convinced that we live in a senseless, oblivious and all devouring universe, chomping its way towards cosmic annihilation, and that the only sane response is to make like a human woodlouse, roll into a ball and hope to be ripped to pieces as quickly and painlessly as possible. I still believe this on bad days, but I’ve also had a few experiences recently which have opened my eyes to the possibility that there may be something ‘more’ than this autosodomising horrorshow of agony and decay. Not a beardy Jehovah or anything like that, but my own tampering with consciousness and a good deal of sprawling research into others’ investigations have nudged me closer to a belief that maybe – maybe – there is SOMETHING, some unifying SOMETHING that we’re all a constituent part of. Maybe. Something. Words like that. Certainly not an interventionist God – not a God that takes any kind of personal interest in the stodgy minutiae of our lives; not a God that even has any kind of meaningful – in human terms – awareness of our individual existences, any more than we have a meaningful relationship with our individual cells, but…something. Maybe. And I’ve started to think that there are ways to unshackle our own, hidebound consciousnesses so as to be able to glimpse this something in a way that helps us to be where we should be – which is where we ARE – in a way that contributes to the sum total of truth and knowledge in the universe.

I think this state of proper awareness can be accessed through several methods – all ways are the way – such as meditation, mindfulness (urrrgh – I hate that word) and, obviously, psychedelics. I think these methods can be used to slip free of the ego and see reality, to transcend our sweaty grasp on our bodies and our little confused lives. Transcendence, innit?

And for the first time in my life, I really feel like I could do with a guide, a guru, somebody who might be able to shine a light into the corners where my low wattage spiritual torch just won’t reach. I seem to be running into the same brick walls, over and over. Maybe this is my journey – to just keep slamming into the unremitting brickwork and falling back on my arse before getting back up and doing it all over again – or maybe I need to look for a helping hand.

I hold a goodly portion of my fellow humans in something very much like contempt, despite my sporadic efforts not to. People make me angry – their intrusive noise, their casual cruelty, their refusal to play nicely together. I’m easily dispirited. I drink too much. I’m lazy. I’m hopelessly unmotivated for most of the time and then spend the shrivelled remainder frantically trying to fill the gaping holes with a vanishingly small amount of quality material. I’m old and getting older. I’m blown wildly off course by every one of life’s storms – and I don’t even know which course I’m trying to follow. None of this is helping. I’m not helping.

Any pointers gratefully received 🙂