reset: day one

Something of a reset is in order. I’ve been promising myself one every day recently; every night has seen me stumbling into sleep congratulating myself on my intentions – every morning has seen me weaselling my way out of them until by lunch time I’m both the kid caught with his sticky mitts in the jam jar and the eternally disappointed parent catching him. It’s not even like my intentions are in any way heroic. If I was Jocko Willink, I’d be making myself get up at 2am and drag a bus tied to my nuts up a mountain, but all I’m really trying to do is smoke less, not spend the whole day lost in a haze of irritation and despair at strangers on the internet and then not fall asleep drunk on the floor with my clothes on. It shouldn’t be an repeatedly impossible task for a fifty year old man to achieve, and yet…

So, yesterday I managed to not get drunk so I started off waking up on the floor with my clothes on but at least without a hangover. My intentions for today are as follows:

1.Smoke no more than ten cigarettes – preferably less.

2. Stay away from YouTube. If I can’t stay away from YouTube then at least stay away from anything to do with Brexit, gender politics, race relations or Donald Trump. These are all things I know nothing about and get uselessly angry about. If I must visit YouTube, then I’ll restrict myself to things that are inspirational and positive and might have some kind of benefit. “If I MUST visit YouTube” – says all you need to know about the monstrous levels of weakness we’re looking at here.

3. No alcohol.

4. Make only two visits to the forlorn shores of social media – namely Facebook and Twitter – during the day.

5. Check the news online only once.

6. I’m allowed to read as much as I want or watch movies. I’m also allowed to come on here and write more nonsense that nobody reads as often as I feel like because that’s ‘creative’; the same goes for engaging in any other artistic endeavours.

7. Tidy up this shithole. Make neat piles of things I no longer need and decide where to get rid of them.

8. Don’t be a weak, whiny big baby.

9. Don’t give up on every one of these laughably modest intentions within the next hour and then spend the rest of the day making excuses about it.