Hunt down the orphans & kill them – 7

VANISH – April 2011

If only I could unmake this world. If I could close my eyes and turn off the sun so the grass and the trees and the sky and the earth and all the people upon it would be consumed by a silent darkness and digested by the corrosive enzymes that spit and hiss in my soul. If I could take everything in the world into myself like sins upon a scapegoat and by closing my eyes seal them forever inside me. And if I could then begin to unravel the threads that hold myself together, if I could render my bones to liquid from the marrow out and boil that marrow til it evaporates. If I could take my history and fold it smaller and smaller like a map of lands that could never be revisited, smaller and smaller with ever more acute angles til I’m left with a thing that could fit into my hand and be burned and the ashes eaten. If I could visit everyone I’ve ever known and lay my ash smeared hands upon them and free the memories they have of me, release them like small dark birds into the sky I’ve made forever dark, so that they never knew me, never heard my words, never felt my touch, never knew my story. If I could burn down every town or village or city I ever lived in and salt the blackened earth and if I could dig over every path I’d ever walked and hide it from the world. If I could shed my skin and shred it and eat it and drink my own blood so that not a drop would contaminate the earth upon which I stand, if I could erase my own shadow, if I could follow the bloody footprints that stagger from the womb and unmake the very seed that grew into the man I am today and ensure my parents never met or unmake their parents, hack out the roots of my family tree and burn it all and throw the ashes to a wind so vast that millions of miles would stand sentry between every scorched molecule and ensure they would never meet. If I could close my eyes and fall into that darkness and take the world I’ve made and we could just step out of reality and fold everything down to utter nothing and never have been and never have been made and unthink the thoughts that led to my creation and remove myself from everyone and everything. What a grand and happy dream…

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